TED英語演講：培養(yǎng)出成功的孩子

　　演說題目：如何在不過度管教的情況下，培養(yǎng)出成功的孩子!

　　演說者：Julie Lythcott-Haims

　　演講稿

　　You know, I didn't set out to be a parenting expert. In fact, I'm not very interested in parenting, per Se. It's just that there's a certain style of parenting these days that is kind of messing up kids, impending their chances to develop into themselves.

　　我并不打算成為育兒專家。事實上，我對育兒本身也不感興趣。只是這些天有某種育兒風(fēng)格的出現(xiàn)，是不利于孩子成長的，而且阻礙了他們發(fā)展自己的機(jī)會。

　　There’s a certain style of parenting these days that’s getting in the way. I guess what I’m saying is, we spend a lot of time being very concerned about parents who aren’t involved enough in the lives of their kids and their education or their upbringing, and rightly so.

　　某種育兒風(fēng)格的出現(xiàn)正阻礙著孩子的成長。各位我要說的是，我們把大量的時間花在關(guān)心哪些父母沒有足夠的參與孩子的生活中，他們的教育或者撫養(yǎng)中，理應(yīng)如此。

　　But at the other end of the spectrum, there’s a lot of harm going on there as well, where parents feel a kid can’t be successful unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn, and hovering over every happening, and micromanaging every moment, and steering their kid towards some small subset of colleges and careers.

　　但從另外一個極端來說，這樣做會有很多的壞處，父母認(rèn)為他們的孩子不會成功，除非有父母事事的保護(hù)和阻止，對每件事的權(quán)衡，圍觀管理每個時刻并引導(dǎo)他們對大學(xué)和職業(yè)的選擇。

　　But not just the grades, the scores, but the accolades and the awards and the sports, the activities, the leadership. We tell our kids, don’t just join a club, start a club, because colleges want to see that. And check the box for community service. I mean, show the colleges you care about others.

　　但不僅是成績和分?jǐn)?shù)，更是獲得的表揚(yáng)和獎項，還有運(yùn)動活動上的，領(lǐng)導(dǎo)力上的榮譽(yù)。我們告訴他們，別加入俱樂部，自己創(chuàng)建了一個，因為大學(xué)想看到這個，然后檢查信箱關(guān)于社區(qū)服務(wù)的信息。我的意思是，展示給大學(xué)看你是關(guān)心別的。

　　And all of this is done to some hoped-for degree of perfection. We expect our kids to perform at a level of perfection. We were never asked to perform at ourselves, and so because so much is required, we think, well then, of course we parents have to argue with every teacher and principle and coach and referee and act like our kid’s concierge and personal handler and secretary.

　　這樣做都是為了達(dá)到某種完美程度的期望值。我們期待小孩表現(xiàn)出一定程度的完美。卻沒有要求自己本身去做到，因為我們認(rèn)為這樣做太多必要性了，我們曾與每一位老師，校長，教練，裁判員理論過表現(xiàn)的像是小孩的看門人，私人管家和秘書。

　　And then with our kids, our precious kids, we spend so much time nudging, cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling, nagging as the case may be, to be sure they’re not screwing up, not closing doors, not ruining their future, some hoped-for admission to a tiny handful of colleges that deny almost every applicant.

　　當(dāng)我們的孩子，最愛的孩子在一起時，我們根據(jù)情況花大量的時間催促，誘騙，暗示，幫助，爭論，嘮叨，來確保他們不搞破壞，不關(guān)門，不毀他們的前途，寄予希望他們能上幾乎否認(rèn)每位申請人的為數(shù)不多的大學(xué)。

　　And they see in our faces that our approval, that our love, that their very worth, comes fr-om A’s. And then we walk alongside them and offer clucking praise like a trainer at the Westminster Dog Show-coaxing them to just jump a little higher and soar a little farther, day after day after day.

　　他們從我們臉上看到我們的認(rèn)可和愛，拿A時是非常有價值的。于是我們走在他們身邊，給予他們咯咯的表揚(yáng)，像西敏市犬展里的訓(xùn)練員一樣，哄他們跳得更高和飛得更遠(yuǎn)一樣，日復(fù)一日這么做。

　　And when they get to high school, they don’t say, ‘ Well, what might I be interested in studying or doing as an activity?’ They go to counselors and they say,’ What do I need to do to get into the right college?’

　　好吧，要是我對學(xué)習(xí)或者某種活動感興趣呢?他們會找到顧問并說，“要上到好的大學(xué)，我需要做點(diǎn)什么?”

　　And then, when the grades start to roll in in high school, and they’re getting some B’s, or God forbid some C’s, they frantically text their friends and say, ‘Has anyone ever gotten into the right college with these grades?’

　　高中成績出現(xiàn)波動的時候，他們拿到的是B或者C，他們火急火燎地發(fā)短信給他們的朋友并說道,“有人以這種成績上到好的大學(xué)嗎?”

　　And our kids, regardless of where they end up at the end of high school, they’re breathless. They’re a little burned out. They’re a little old before their time, wishing the grow-ups in their lives had said,’What you’ve done in enough, this effort you’ve put forth in childhood is enough.’

　　我們的孩子，不管他們是從哪所高中畢業(yè)，他們喘不過氣來，他們?nèi)菀咨鷼�，他們有點(diǎn)精疲力盡了。他們年長了一些，并希望大人們說你所做的已經(jīng)足夠了，你童年所付出的努力已經(jīng)足夠了。

　　But if you llok at what we’ve done, if you have the courage to really look at it, you’ll see that not only do our kids think their worth comes fr-om grades and scores, but that when we live right up inside their precious developing minds all the time, like our own version of the movie ‘Being John Malkovich,’ we send our children the message: ‘Hey kid, I don’t think you can actually achieve any of this without me.’

　　但假如你看看你所做的，如果你真的有勇氣看的話，你會發(fā)現(xiàn)孩子認(rèn)為，他們的價值不僅僅來源于成績和分?jǐn)?shù)，并且我們很多時候存在于他們珍貴，正在形成的思想中。就想電影約翰.馬爾科維奇的自己版本，我們向孩子傳遞這樣的信息：我認(rèn)為你要有我時你才能完成這些。

　　So simply put, if our children are to develop self-efficacy, and they must, then they hav to do a whole lot more of the thinking, planning, deciding, doing, hoping, coping, trial and error, dreaming, and experiencing of life for themselves。

　　所以簡單地來說，如果我們的孩子建立了自我效能感，那么他們必須做出更多人生的思考，計劃，決定，活動，希望，應(yīng)對，試錯，夢想，和自己的經(jīng)歷。

　　Now, am I saying every kid is hard-working and motivated and doesn’t need a parent’s involvement or interest in their lives, and we should just back off and let go? Hell no. That is not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is, when we treat grades and scores and accolades and awards as the purpose of childhood, all in furtherance of some hoped-for admission to a tiny number of colleges or entrance to a small number of careers, that ’s too narrow a definition of success for our kids.

　　現(xiàn)在，我說的是每位孩子都很用功和有上進(jìn)心，不需要父母的參與或?qū)λ麄兊娜松�感興趣。我們只需要退后和放手?顯然不是。這不是我說的。我要說的是，當(dāng)我們把成績和分?jǐn)?shù)，榮譽(yù)和獎項作為孩子童年的目的時，寄予希望他們能進(jìn)入為數(shù)不多的大學(xué)和某個職位時，那么以這種定義孩子的成敗太狹義了。

　　And even though we might help them achieve some short-term wins by overhelping like they get a better grade if we help them do their homework, they might end up with a longer childhood resume when we help-what I’m saying is that all of this comes at a long-term cost to their sense of self. What I’m saying is , we should be less concerned with the specific set of colleges they might be able to apply to or might get into and far more concerned that they have the habits, the mindset, the skill set, the wellness, to be successful wherever they go.

　　盡管我們通過過度幫忙實現(xiàn)了他們的短期勝利，就像我們協(xié)助他們做作業(yè)可能拿到更高分，在我們的協(xié)助下他們可能會以更長的童年履歷結(jié)束，我想說的是所有這些長期的代價，需基于自我意識。我想說的是，我們需要給予更少的關(guān)注，對于他們具體可能會申請哪所大學(xué)，參與給予更多的關(guān)注在他們形成的習(xí)慣，心態(tài)，技能，健康，無論他們?nèi)ツ膬憾寄艹晒Φ哪芰Α?/p>

　　What I’m saying is, our kids need us to be a little less obsessed with grades and scores and a whole lot more interested in childhood providing a foundation for their success built on things like love and chores.

　　我想說的是，我們的孩子需要我們對他們的成績和分?jǐn)?shù)少一點(diǎn)關(guān)注，對他們的童年多一份關(guān)心。為他們的成功提供基礎(chǔ)，比如在愛和家務(wù)活。

　　Did I just say chores? Did I just say chores? I really did. But really, here’s why. The longest longitudinal study of humans ever conducted is called the Harvard Grant Study. It found that professional success in life, which is what we want for our kids, that professional success in life comes fr-om having dong chores as a kid, and the earlier you started, the better, that a roll-up-your-sleeves.

　　我說家務(wù)活了嗎?我說家務(wù)活了嗎?我的確說了。原因如下，有史以來最長的縱向人類學(xué)研究是哈佛格蘭特研究。研究發(fā)現(xiàn)生活中的職業(yè)成功，是我們想讓孩子得到的。生活中的職業(yè)成功來自于孩子從小做家務(wù)活，越早開始越好，卷起衣袖。

　　And pitch in mindest, a mindset that says, there’s some unpleasant work, someone’s got to do it, it might as well be me, a mindset that says, I will contribute my effort to the betterment of the whole, that’s what gets you ahead in the workplace.

　　一種出一份力的心態(tài)，有些不盡人意的活，不得不去做的，這個人可能是我，我將貢獻(xiàn)我的努力去改善，這點(diǎn)會使你在職場中遙遙領(lǐng)先。

　　Now, we all know this. You know this. We all know this, and yet, in the checklisted childhood, we absolve our kids of doing the work of chores around the house, and then they end up as young adults in the workplace still waiting for a checklist, but it doesn’t exist, and more importantly, lacking the impulse, the instinct to roll up their sleeves, and pitch in and look around and wonder, how can I be useful to my colleagues?How can I anticipate a few steps ahead to what my boss might need?

　　現(xiàn)在，我們都知道這點(diǎn)，你也知道。我們都知道這些，然而在清單式童年中，我們不要孩子來做家務(wù)，他們最終成為職場中的年輕人，仍舊等待著不存在的清單，更重要的是他們?nèi)狈�沖動，卷起衣袖的本能，貢獻(xiàn)一份力量并環(huán)顧四周想知道，怎樣我才能有所作為?我怎么能提前預(yù)測幾步知道老板需要什么?

　　A second very important finding fr-om the Harvard Grand Study said that happiness in life comes fr-om love, not love of work, love of humans: our spouse, our partner, our friends, our family.

　　哈佛格蘭特研究中第二個非常重要的發(fā)現(xiàn)是生活中的快樂來源于愛，不是對工作的愛，而是人與人之間的愛：我們的愛人，伙伴，朋友，假如。

　　So childhood needs to teach our kids how to love, and the they can’t love others if they don’t first love themselves, and they won’t themselves if we can’t offer them unconditional love.

　　因此從小需要教孩子如何去愛，如果不首先愛上自己，就不能愛別人，如果我們沒有提供無條件的愛，他們就無法愛自己。

　　Right. And so, instead of being obsessed with grades and scores, when our precious offspring come home fr-om school, or we come home fr-om work, we need to close our technology, put away our phones, and look them in the eye, and let them see the joy that fills our faces, when we see our child for the first time in a few hours.

　　因此與其沉迷于成績和分?jǐn)?shù)，當(dāng)我們最愛的孩子放學(xué)回家時，或者我們下班回家，我們需要關(guān)閉設(shè)備，放下手機(jī)，看著他們的眼睛，讓他們看到我們滿臉的快樂。

　　And then we have to say,’ How was your day? What did you like about today?’ And when your teenage daughter says,’Lunch,’ like mine did, and I want to hear about the math test, not lunch, you have to still take an interest in lunch. You gotta say, ‘What was great about lunch today?’

　　我們應(yīng)該說，你今天怎么樣啦?今天你喜歡的事情是什么?當(dāng)你女兒說，“午餐，”和我一樣，我想聽的是數(shù)學(xué)測驗而不是午餐，你應(yīng)該仍然把注意力放在午餐上。你要說“今天的午餐好在哪里啊?”

　　They need to know they matter to us as humans, not because of their GPA. All right, so you’re thinking, chores and love, that sounds all well and good, but give me a break. The colleges want to see top scores and grades and accolades and awards, and I’m going to tell you, sort of.

　　他們需要知道他們對我們來說很重要，這并不是因為他們的平均成績�，F(xiàn)在你正在想著家務(wù)活和愛。這聽起來不錯，但讓我休息一下。大學(xué)想要看到高分?jǐn)?shù)好成績和榮譽(yù)獎項，我想說的是，在一定程度上是。

　　The very biggest brand-name schools are asking that of our young adults, but here’s the good news. Contrary to what the college rankings racket would have us believe-you don’t have to go to one of the biggest brand name schools to be happy and successful in life.

　　最有名的名牌大學(xué)會問年輕人，但這里有好消息。相反美國大學(xué)排行榜讓我們相信-你不一定非要去最有名的一所大學(xué)才算得上快樂和成功。

　　Happy and successful people went to state school, went to a small college no one has heard of, went to community college, went to a college over here and flunked out.

　　快樂和成功的人們?nèi)ス�立學(xué)校，去一些沒人聽過的大學(xué)，或者社區(qū)大學(xué)，來到大學(xué)，考試不及格。

　　The evidence is in this room, is in our communities, that this is the truth. And if we could widen our blinders and be willing to look at a few more colleges, maybe remove our own egos fr-om the equation, we could accept and embrace this truth and then realize, it is hardly the end of the world, if our kids don’t go to one of those big brand-name schools.

　　證據(jù)就在我們這里，在我們的社區(qū)，這是事實。如果我們可以拓寬眼界，并樂意多看幾所大學(xué)，也許能從這種情況中消除自我，我們接受這個事實并意識到，如果我們的孩子不能上名牌大學(xué)，這不是世界末日。

　　And more importantly, if their childhood has not been lived, according to tyrannical checklist then when they get to college, whichever one it is, well, they’ll have gone there on their own volition, fueled by their own desire, capable and ready to thrive there.

　　更重要的是，如果他們的童年不是遵循殘暴的清單，那么當(dāng)他們上了大學(xué)，無論哪一所大學(xué)，他們是憑著意志力取得的，由他們自己的渴望促成，有能力茁壯成長。

　　I have to admit something to you. I’ve got two kids I mentioned, Sawyer and Avery. They’re teenagers. And once upon a time, I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery like little bonsai trees-that I was going to carefully clip and prune and shape into some perfect form of a human one of the most highly selective colleges.

　　我不得不向你們承認(rèn)，之前提到的那兩個孩子索耶和艾佛利。他們是青少年，曾經(jīng)幾何，我認(rèn)為我對待索耶和艾佛利像小盆景，我要仔細(xì)修剪形成某些人類的完美形式，其中一所名牌大學(xué)。

　　But I’ve come to realize, after working with thousands of other people’s kids-and raising two kids of my own, my kids aren’t bonsai trees. They’re wildflowers of an unknown genus and species-and it’s my job to provide a nourishing environment, to strengthen them through chores and to love them so they can love others and receive love and the college, the major, the career, that’s up to them.

　　但我已經(jīng)意識到，在與成千上萬個孩子一起工作后，并自己培育兩個小孩，我的小孩不是盆景數(shù)。他們是未知物種的野花，我的工作是提供營養(yǎng)豐富的環(huán)境，從家務(wù)活和愛他們中讓他們變的更加堅強(qiáng)，因此他們能愛別人并接受到愛，對于大學(xué)，專業(yè)，職業(yè)，這取決于他們。

　　My job is not to make them become what I would have them become, but to support them in becoming their glorious selves.Thank you!

　　我的工作不是使他們成為我所想的模樣，而是支持他們成為最好的自己。謝謝。